I'd begun to have these dreams about this beautiful, breathtaking woman. In my dreams, we would always be in each other's arms. We'd be caressing each other and even kissing-on the forehead. Seemed like most of the dreams involved us sitting on the edge of a bed. But, wherever we were, the scene was always intimate, private, and maybe even romantic. After having these dreams for so long, I started to wonder. I started wondering the meaning of these continued dreams. And not just to wonder what the dreams meant but what they meant to me, for me and why. Why did I keep dreaming about this gorgeous woman? I got to a point where I wondered if the dream was telling me that I was gay or at least bi-sexual. I wondered if this dream was revealing to me that I was attracted to women or maybe a particular woman. Was there a woman that was attracted to me and I didn't know it? Was it someone I knew? Wait! Am I ignoring a secret desire or am I in denial about something or someone? I just didn't know what to think. Then, I started to reflect and look back over my past. Had I ever been attracted to women before? Could I even think, identify or name just one woman, one who I was attracted to, sexually?
I kept thinking and thinking and thinking. I could recall some beautiful women but not one, not one single one of them sexually aroused me. Nor could I think of one, not one single woman that I would be interested in having a romantic relationship with, or exploring my sexuality with, or flirting with, or even playing like we had a thing. I just don't play like that! My best girlfriends in the world are Wilma Jean, Pamela Clark, and Bernadine Trotter and we have never called each other boo, boo thang or anything similar. We were "boy crazzzy" and there was nothing, no feeling that compared to us having a boyfriend or a few of them who were just as crazy about us too! But, that didn't make this dream go away. Nor did it stop this woman in my dreams from staring into my eyes with desire and extending her arms to hug me tight & hold on to me, like the way I sometimes fantasize of holding on to Morris Chestnut, lol. (I mean my husband-cough, cough)
But wait! I remembered. There was this girl named "Johnna" that I met at Jackson State. She was gorgeous and prissy. She had long hair and what my husband calls the total package- authentic long hair, big breast and curvy hips-small waist and cute in the face. I was so intrigued by her and I liked everything about her-the way she dressed, her laugh and even the way she walked. I even liked how she smelled. She had her own place, her own car, and a job. Her apartment was so cute and it was jam packed with shoes, clothes, perfume and accessories. I loved visiting her and just admiring all of her shoes-all 500+ pair of them, lol. She was a student full of aspirations. We could talk for hours. She was so prissy and gorgeous and sweet....Wait! Was it her? Was I too crazy about her and enjoyed her company way too much? Was I crushing on her, lusting for her or what? Maybe I was jealous of her. In all honesty, I wished that I could be her; or at least have it going on like she did. I had 1 bottle of cheap perfume and a few pair of shoes. Meanwhile, she had no children and was single. Wait! This wasn't a sexual attraction this was me vicariously living my life through "Johnna."
Finally, and against my better judgment, I shared all of this with a close friend. Never before had I allowed this "secret" to leave my lips. I said to my friend, "I'm constantly having these dreams about a beautiful woman caressing me and I don't know what it means." Then I went on and on. Somehow in the conversation after being asked a series of questions I said, "When I really think about it and if I were gay, there would be only one woman I could see myself being with and that's..........that's..... Lisa Raye." There I said it! Well, from then on, that friend helped to put in my head that Lisa Raye was my female crush; my celebrity crush. And wouldn't you know, that this went on for years. For years, I've been saying this and even going so far to say "she's my woman." One time I hollered through the TV, "Get your hands off my woman!" What?! I know! I said that. It was so subtle; and that's how it happens. I said it without realizing it. I would never see her in a million years, right? So to me it didn't matter, she could be my woman, right? Wrong!! What if I actually did meet a female who looked just like her? Where would I draw the line? Here's a kicker, If I ever actually met her would I say, Hi, I'm Reverend Kyles and you're my female crush? Or better yet, "Let me lay hands on you for prayer?"
So back to my dream. Not too long ago and I can't even remember the exact series of events but it was revealed to me that this woman who I had been dreaming about was..........ME. The interpretation of my dream had to do with me falling in love with myself. Or better yet about me running from the opportunity, the possibility of falling in love with myself. Me avoiding the real me or playing hard to catch. The woman who was "flirting" with me was "the better me." In my dreams, she was loving me or at least trying to and even inspiring me to be "her" similar to the same way that I had wanted to be "Johnna" in the past. She was strikingly breathtaking and she was symbolic of the "future me" and how beautiful I or my life could & would be once I embrace myself and fall in love with me, who I am. The real me. In essence, she was encouraging me to be true to myself. And, to embrace and love myself. Somehow she knew that it was easier to admire and be intrigued by "Johnna" than to be happy with who I was and what I had. Just think, "Johnna" may have secretly been wishing that she could be me.
Fast forward. One day my husband managed to convince me to get dressed and go to the mall with him without telling me that he was planning to buy me a new suit. I'm huffing, puffing and thinking to myself that this was not a good day for me to be shopping because I looked a mess, I don't feel good and I'm just not feeling this. First stop, shoe store. A pair of new cute shoes always helps. Next store, we get there and at this point my husband hands me several suits and says, "Here, try these on!" Meanwhile, I get to the dressing room, try on this suit and before I could get it all on, he hands me a hat over the door and tells me to put on the shoes that I had bought earlier. When, I walked out of the smaller dressing room to look at myself in the bigger mirror, I couldn't believe my eyes. There she was! She took my breath away and while I stared at her and admired her beauty, several people passed by and said. "You look great in that suit!" My husband said, baby I like that! Do you like it? Baby, do you like it? Baby? Meanwhile, the tears were streaming down my face. I saw her. I saw the woman in my dreams, she actually showed up and looked me in the face, in my eyes actually. It was as if she was saying (in a Lisa Raye voice) "What happened? I thought you wanted me too. But lately, you've been avoiding me. You've been letting me down, you've pushed me to the side, I don't feel important anymore. I need you. I need you to make me feel wanted. So today, I arranged to have you brought here so I can show you a preview and a glimpse. I love you and I hope that you will put our love back on top." The tears just kept streaming but before I could utter a word, she vanished. Finally, I wiped them away secretly. He bought the suit and hat. He said, you looked great and I hope you're happy. Are you okay? Baby, are you alright?
I could say more yet I'll stop here. But, not without pointing out a few things and sharing a message.
- Initially, I thought that my dreams were telling me that I may be gay. And, I believe that sometimes there are things, people or experiences that cause us to question and even wonder about our sexuality.
- Next, I looked back over my past. And, I believe that sometimes we do have to look back and identify signs, people, or feelings that may be related to what's going on in our present. I could not identify not one female who I was sexually attracted to in the past. However, I could have used "Johnna" as an example or confirmation that I had gay tendencies or that I was gay when in fact that wasn't true. I believe that sometimes people look back and misinterpret things that they consider as examples or reasons to believe that the inclinations were always there. For example, just because someone touched you inappropriately doesn't mean you're gay.
- Next, I told a friend and with their help I opened myself up to possibilities that would not have been there otherwise. I believe that sometimes people have unknowingly and even unintentionally led us to believe things about ourselves that really isn't true. What if I had continued on with that line of thinking? Eventually a door could've opened.
- And, lastly sometimes we are trying to get our own attention. Some people act gay for attention. Some people have taken on this lifestyle because they have failed to give themselves the proper attention. If you don't attend to yourself, you'll end up being vulnerable and open. Just because you've been attracted to the same sex, or that you are intrigued by someone of the same sex, or that your friends have given you some bad advice or left you to your own craziness, or that you haven't given yourself a chance to be healed or whatever the case may be doesn't mean you're gay.
Someone reading this post may be wondering, Am I Gay? You may have concerns, or questions, doubts or fears. All, I'm saying is at least don't be wrong about it or use the wrong reasons, people, or signs to confirm something that isn't true. One day I was wondering was I gay but now I have no doubt that there is not a gay bone in my body.
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